Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
