he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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