I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
we're so committed to being not committed
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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