i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
