ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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