All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
