All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
