Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
