You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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