If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
