the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
