the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
