first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
