She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
