I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
