and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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