and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
