Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
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