I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
