if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
