True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
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