Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Pants are for mortals
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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