38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I feel like abortions should bother me more
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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