Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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