I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
