she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
