Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Randomize
