so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
