Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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