that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
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