Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
