The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
