Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
