I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
