How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
