Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
