You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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