I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
