I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
