So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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