You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
