Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
