Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
