You can't motorboat a personality
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
