I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
