I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
