Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
