I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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