I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
