I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
